it hasn't rained in two days. it is strange. louis says, "es imposible" (it's impossible). its winter and usually pours every afternoon and on most nights. we have gotten used to the afternoon rain storms and like the oddity of not having them, and the confusion that that brings; so is the internal conflict ragging within us.
kobi temporarily pushes his head out of the confusion and says that confusion has always been a blessing to us. that from it, we've always reached new insights, new solutions and ways. i'd like to feel that. maybe i will when the rains fall again.
so, what is it we are supposed to do? do we leave where we are now, leave our ranch, leave our newly formed lives here? do we leave the senior citizens who so want to share their world with us and who have opened their hearts to learn english and soul-cleaning with us? do we leave sonia and don jose ramon who we love dearly? do we leave kendall and all the brotherhood we have formed together? do we leave the school which is waiting for us to start teaching english three times a week and maybe give our kids a taste of costa rican children friendships?
do we leave this because of money? "es solamente economico" (it's only a matter of economics) i tell the school principal. we envisioned traveling the world, volunteering with our hearts, minds, and bodies and touching the lives of those around us to deepen their souls and ours.we envisioned volunteering with all of our hearts in exchange for room and board.
and, now, we are in kendall's home (or his mom's really though we've only seen her once in our almost two weeks here) and it is money that pushes us to leave all that we're building to move on to what? what will wait for us in the next town? how long will it take us to build up the relationships and contacts to volunteer that we've built here in luche de la tigre and in florencia?
all of this was built because of kendall's hard work. we can and we will copy the model wherever we go. but still, it takes time and being patiently open to the Universe and to the beauty of our fellow man to find these opportunies. people pay thousands (we know, we've talked to them!) to experience a fraction of what we have been blessed to experience. we are really, truly living with the locals and still have amazing privacy as a family.
years ago when our dream was still in its infancy, i was surfing the internet for other people's thoughts about long-term world travel. i found this one blog entry with an amazing picture of a sole tree on a flat plain with the sun setting behind it. the writer was a young woman who spent chunks of her life discovering what would it be like, what would her life be like if she lived in this small town in kenya, or australia, or russia, or scotland. she'd go there, taste life there, and then know. until the train whistle would blow on the way to somewhere else and she's wonder what would it be like to live there....
so, her words have stayed with me all these years later. what would it be like if we lived in the countryside on a ranch in luche de la tigre, costa rica? now, i know.
so, we celebrate and sing the beauty of the contacts and potential for some serious volutneer projects here in our tiny corner of the world and at the same time toss and turn and struggle with the pain of needing to move on to find another community which can use our services for free room and board.
as the skies darken and the song birds herald the rain, i pray my soul and kobi's will find the answers we seek. we can move on, we can find new worlds just around the corner as the train whistle takes us there too. but, i feel i'm just not done here in luche de la tigre. maybe that's why its called the struggle of the tiger. today, i am the tiger, and today, i'm struggling.
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